When heaven was hell – What was my utility?

Only Mr. P knows for sure what my utility was to him, but I have spent a good deal of time reflecting, analyzing, weighing his comments and actions, and I have my theories on what my utility may have been.

First, I was attractive enough when he met me, so I think looks and sex were a draw.  But looks and sex would  probably be a draw for most any man who is looking for a woman .  But I was also “easy” due to my circumstances, trusting nature,  naivete,  and lack of boundaries, so he didn’t have to do a heckuvalot of work to snare me. 

Second, before even meeting me, since he was renting a basement room across the street from me, he could surmise I was fairly well off financially since I was living alone in a rented house located a block off the beach in an expensive area.  I had the entire house to myself.  This alone equaled money in his eyes.  Our second conversation, which was brief and held with him walking down the street and me sitting on my deck, he found out I was getting a divorce.  Our third conversation, which was up close and personal, he was very chatty and charming and I felt as if I had known him forever.  During this converstion, he found out (because my big mouth told him) that my ex was buying out my half of a beach house.   Did I mention MONEY already?   On a humorous note, a couple months into the relationship he made the comment that he was so lucky to have met me, that he felt like he “had hit the jackpot”.  Silly me, I thought he meant the “love jackpot”.  Interesting thing on this one, is that on down the road he made a comment which clearly showed he thought I got about double the amount of money than I actually received.  So, he obviously only hit half a jackpot. Sorry to disappoint, asshole. 

Third, within weeks of my meeting him, he and his landlord had a “rent” dispute and he moved from his little rental room and was living in a tiny place that had no shower, just an outside water hose.  Seriously.   It was winter and having a warm place to shower was an issue for him.  Try not to laugh.  Ok, go ahead. It didn’t occur to me to wonder why his parents who were very well off financially didn’t allow him to stay in their home.  Soon, he was spending every night at my place, basically living with me within about 5 weeks of our meeting.  Within two months or so, he was moved in lock, stock, and barrel–but his belongings didn’t take up much space, because he didn’t come with much more than the clothes he owned.  

Fourth, he was obsessed with getting into his parents good graces again and spent alot of time talking about what he would inherit.  They were loaded financially and lived in a beautiful house on the water.  He was cut out of family gatherings because of his bad behavior  (although I did not know this at the time I met him).   He told me how much he admired me because I was so reliable, followed the rules and tried to do the right thing (unlike those other women from his past), was conservative, reminded me of dear ol’ Mom and Dad’s values, etc.  He couldn’t wait to drag me to his parent’s house, unannounced, so they could meet me.   They were very nice and gracious, and I just thought he was proud of me when he told them all about how I owned a beach house and that I did not drink, and all of my other “wonderful” virtues.  Apparently, “I” was proof he was back on the right track and had seen the light, because he was back in the family and suddenly we were invited to all family gatherings.  Note:  I am a social drinker–probably don’t drink more than 7 or 8 drinks a year.  But I later discovered “doesn’t drink” to him really meant that as long as I didn’t toss back over a 6-pack or so a day, I was a NON DRINKER in his eyes.

Fifth, I think alot of my later utility to him was that I was isolated in a State with no family or close friends around and he could do pretty much what he wanted to me, with no interference from anyone.  He has a sadistic side, and I think I was just “the best fun ever” to torment and terrorize.   As he later said:  “You’re too easy.  I got over on you better than any of  ’em. You’re my best dupe ever.”  Naturally, he later denied ever saying this.  But since he also managed to leave a similar message on voicemail, ”You’re my best dupe yet” ,  I used a recorder and taped it off on tape and still have it, so I do have proof I’m not “imagining” things like he tried to convince me I was.

There could be more things about me he found useful–well, doing all his laundry and all the housework, 99 % of the cooking, loaning him my car and GAS (actually gave him the gas would be a better choice of words because he NEVER refilled the tank, plus we most always went everywhere that we went together in my car and on MY gas), loaning him money when he was broke (this does not count the bills he neglected to help pay), not to mention running most of his errands—-but anyway that is all I can think of right now.  Oh wait, I thought of something else.  There was that damn HARLEY (sorry but it will forever more be a DAMN harley to me) that he talked me into buying for “us” (translate that into “him”) to ride around on.  He accomplished this  four months after I met him.  Count ‘em:  One, two, three, four MONTHS.   I must have been insane at the time.  But he made it sound like we would have such fun riding around the beach, told me how I had been married for so long and needed to loosen up and let my hair down and have fun for a change, just painted a glorious picture of the delicously good time we “soul mate lovebirds” were gonna have taking trips and sightseeing and riding around on that harley together.  He was going to pay me monthly payments for it, of course, until he got it paid for

.  After receiving 500 bucks total over a two year period–which translates into less than 20 bucks per month– and with me paying the insurance on it without a penny contribution from him, I finally did manage to recoup most of the value of the bike itself.  Nearer to the end of our relationship he loved to tell people what a “pussy magnet” it was, and of course he managed to do this within my earshot.   He also loved to disappear on it for days or weeks.  As you can see, “I” wasn’t having a good time at all riding the bike, but he certainly was. Salt in beach areas is hell on vehicles so the thought of it rusting right out from under his now fat ass  does not break my heart at all.

I believe as time went on, my utility was almost entirely the power he felt when humiliating, controlling me—devaluing then reeling me back in, then blatant humiliation and terrorizing me.  He tries to continue with this even to this day, even though I am hundreds of miles away from him.

When heaven was hell – My “ex” psychopath’s “resume”

Childhood:

Per his Mom, Mr. P was an accomplished liar from early childhood.  He would often taunt her with cruel things he would say and  when she would tell his Dad of things he said and did, little P would look her straight in the eye and deny that he ever said or did the things.  She said he was so convincing her husband would doubt her and believe little P, so  she was always threatening to buy a tape recorder to prove SHE wasn’t the one lying or exaggerating. 

He also got into alot of physical fights during childhood and teenage years, and he also got into trouble for vandalizing a building.  To my knowledge he was never actually arrested during his youth.   He and his Grandma also liked to shoot at dogs that came into her yard, and Mr. P said Grandma loved watching him shoot dogs.  His parents also said they had problems with neighbors complaining because he liked to pee outside.  This is a habit he never lost even as an adult, as frequently he would go outside and pee off the porch, even when a bathroom was less than 20 feet away.  Per the P he began drinking and having sex at age 12.  When I said, “You’re kidding, right?” he said, “Well, it could have been 13, but I am pretty sure it was 12.”  He said he dabbled in “light” drugs such as pot in his early and late teens, moving on to harder drugs while in his 30’s.  He dropped out of high school at age 16, but you would never know it to talk with him as he sounded both articulate and smart and he actually was very intelligent.  He told me his Dad offered to buy him a sports car and all sorts of things if he would stay in school but he said he was not interested because all he was interested in then was partying.  Other than that, I do not know a whole lot about any “bad” activities from his childhood. 

Financial/Employment:

He couldn’t finance a bag of chips. He didn’t have just poor credit, he had NO credit, due to non payment of past bills.    He was also over 30,000 in arrears for child support.  If he went to the Doctor (when he worked long enough to have insurance), when the bill would come he would toss it in the trash, saying the Doctor wasn’t getting any more than insurance paid.  Although it was a State law to carry car insurance, he never had insurance the entire time I knew him. 

He had a very good job when I met him and actually climbed the ladder to Supervision.  He lost this job eventually for falsifying his overtime worksheet.  He had a total of seven jobs in the four years we were involved.  He was let go from some and quit others on impulse. He quit one job one day by walking into the office and telling them:  “This just isn’t fun anymore,” and walking out the door.  He did not look for work for over two months.  I later discovered that prior to my meeting him, he had fourteen jobs besides the seven mentioned above, and that is just the ones he could remember–said he couldn’t remember all of them  (he came up with this list when completing an employment application). 

Criminal:

He had a string of run of the mill traffic violations.  In addition, he had one felony theft conviction in his early 20’s .  He was arrested numerous times for public intox, had FIVE DUI’s, a driving on suspended license after a DUI conviction, several eluding for running from the police, several resisting arrests, one domestic violence arrest and conviction (by a Judge) which was later overturned by jury trial, menancing with a firearm, non-supoport for children arrest involving jail time.  He also burned down a relatives small out building years earier before I met him (he says it was an accident, the relative said they had been arguing earlier and thought it was done out of revenge), but they did not press charges.  Although he got involved in drugs (per him light drugs only until he was in his 30’s.  Then he started using cocaine and crack in his late 30’s.    I did not know of this drug usage until well into our relationship.  He said prior to our relationship that at one point the DEA talked to him due to suspected drug dealing, but he was never arrested.   He admits using drugs, but denies ever selling.

Women: 

He had three marriages and four cohabitations (that is, cohabitations that lasted one year or more).  He also had two additional cohabitaions that I know of that  lasted only a few months each. God only knows how many that lasted just weeks, or only days.   On one on the “few month” cohabitations, he moved her into his place and lived with her about 2 or 3 months after he and his last girlfriend broke up.  He managed to successfully woo back the former girlfriend and as soon as he did, he kicked the current live in out, telling her she had to get out because he was back with XXXX.  Per him, current live-in was furious because she had no idea he was trying to get back with XXXX.. (I imagine).   In spite of him initially espousing the virtues of monogamy and saying he was always monogamous in relationships and only had serious relationships  (when we first met, his story was that the WOMEN ALWAYS LEFT HIM–him who cooked and did so much for them and once they were through using him, they, who were WHORES did him (who was faithful) wrong by sleeping around and leaving him).  He swore he was the loyal and serious type in relationships and would NEVER stoop to picking up some slut in a bar blah blah blah (laughing again, aren’t you?)  After our relationship ended, during one of our brief “get back togethers” (Gawd, what the hell was I thinking?), he told a friend (within my earshot, of course, because he no longer gave a damn and his game at that time was to destroy anything of my emotional existance that he had not already destroyed) that he had slept with over three hundred women.  THREE HUNDRED!!!!  When I asked him if this was true, he shrugged and said, “Well, that figure might be a little high.  But at least two fifty.  Probably closer to three.”  I guess his version of monogamy was that he was having sex with one woman at a time, instead of say, a threesome or foursome.

Verbal Bulimia and the Art of Over Disclosure

by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.    (re-printed on VOP with permission of the author)

The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction, and author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Women Who Love Psychopaths.
http://www.saferelationships.com

I wrote about it in my Dangerous Man book, rediscussed in Women Who Love Psychopaths, and frequently remind everyone in the newsletters and yet I stll see this embarrassing behavior among women that not only sounds GROSS to anyone else listening, but also puts her at tremendous risk amongst pathologicals.

Years ago when I had a few psychopaths in group, I asked them how they picked out their “targets” and from the mouth of babes they said,

Psychopath? How Bad?

“I’ve seen people sit around with the list of traits from the PCL-R and decide from that quick-hit perusal that an acquaintance or spouse is a psychopath.  A clinician who takes the disorder seriously would not do that.” –Katherine Ramsland, chair, Social Sciences at DeSales University and author of The Human Predator.

Approximately 1% of the population is thought to be psychopathic, yet:

 –Psychopaths commit more than 50% of all serious crimes –

-Half of all law enforcement murdered in the line of duty were killed by a psychopath

–Approximately 1 out of 5 persistent domestic abusers are thought to be psychopathic

–50% of all serial rapists are thought to be psychopathic.

Although criminal behavior tends to go hand in hand with psychopathy, not all psychopaths engage in criminal behavior that is grounds for arrest.  Or if they do,

Half brother wants sex, engages in smear campaign, tries to have victim falsely arrested

I had a sociopathic half brother try to have innapropriate relations with me after I found him in my early thirties and he also tried to get me arrested by stating I attacked him and was belligerent and scratched him too – because I would not go along with being in a relationship with him. He made sure I lost my job and started fights with me there after I got him hired, because after I met him he