Victims and Survivors of Psychopaths

Verbal Bulimia and the Art of Over Disclosure

victimsofpsychopaths — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 19:12:32 +0000

by Sandra L. Brown, M.A. (re-printed on VOP with permission of the author)

The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction, and author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Women Who Love Psychopaths.
http://www.saferelationships.com

I wrote about it in my Dangerous Man book, rediscussed in Women Who Love Psychopaths, and frequently remind everyone in the newsletters and yet I stll see this embarrassing behavior among women that not only sounds GROSS to anyone else listening, but also puts her at tremendous risk amongst pathologicals.

Years ago when I had a few psychopaths in group, I asked them how they picked out their “targets” and from the mouth of babes they said, “I just listen. If you get them talking, they rapidly over disclose. Women tell WAY too much! You pick up everything they just said–what they like, their values. Feed it back to them. Become what they are looking for. And~VOILA~you’re in!”

On my flight back from the Dangerous Man Workshop Cruise to Cozumel, I had one of those embarrassing women sitting in front of me.

Ladies, this is the kind of person that makes you want to switch genders so not to be associated with the behavior! She was purposefully loud so that others would hear her. In fact, she was so loud, the rows around her couldn’t even hear their own private conversations because she was holding ‘court’ in the middle of the plane where it was mostly men.

LOUDLY she announces to a girlfriend (who must have been deaf either before the conversation started which is why she YELLED or afterwards from yelling in her ear) that she was going to THE CLIFFS where she OWNED a CONDO so she COULD GOLF on TIGER WOODS golf course (am annunciating the way she did with her volume on the important parts of her braggidous story). And that she FLEW back-and-forth to her OTHER HOME to THE CIFFS to enjoy THE COUNTRY CLUB and GOLFING.
(Just imagine if you were a psychopath sitting within ear range of this conversation).

Oh, and THANKSGIVING, she was going to have 35 people over AND HER LARGE DINING ROOM could easily accommodate them. She was going to HAVE A COOK COME IN and help her prepare the meal. And ANYONE WHO NEEDED A PLACE TO BE on Thanksgiving was welcome to come (as she offered with a gesture of her hand to those sitting around her)
(The psychopath is totaling up how much her silver and Plasma TV’s are worth about now…).

Then it was onto her OTHER VACATION travels she has recently done…while everyone around her were rolling their eyes and sticking their fingers in thheir ears (except for the psychopaths on board who were checking to make sure they had packed their sun tan lotion–planning a trip WITH her).

Glory to God, the plane landed and it seemed like I could get away from her. She stood up, adjusted her breasts, fluffed her hair, and sucked in her stomach as she noticed the guy in my row had a 3 piece suit on (gag!), a gold chain and to her, I guess, ‘potential’. This highly accomplished multi-home owner who had been loudly touting her own virtues, all of a sudden couldn’t manage to get her bag out of the overhead, turning into Scarlett O’Hara, “Could some big stong man help little ol’ me here?”

She was staring straight at the gold-chain guy, so he felt obliged. Then she inserted something that had nothing to do with her bag being stuck. She stuck her hip out and leaned into his face.
“You know what I HATE?”
“What?” he asks.
“There are 3 lanes on a highway–one for 70 miles per hour, one for 80, the last one for me–which is get out of my way! The thing that drives me MOST crazy in the
whole world…(I’m wondering Poverty? Abuse? World hunger? Obviously not psychopaths–what?)…is people who drive too slow so that I can’t roar my BMW Z4 at 95-100 miles per hour.”

She glances around to see who MIGHT have heard her. I have my therapy gaze on her now–like “Girl, GET a therapist!!” The guy winces at that statement and stares at his shoes. However, several other guys in line shift their position to move closer to her. Instead of heading out of the front of the plane they are turning around and heading DOWN the plane not out! What psychopath doesn’t want to con her out of a BMW Z4?? Or her Country Club membership? Or that dining room table that seats 35? Or those boobs she just pushed up?

Ok, ok…not ALL women who over-disclose do it so garrishly and obnoxious as this woman. But they DO–DO IT! There isn’t a pathological who isn’t wired to ‘hear’ the hints and hone in on it. They don’t have to remember to ‘listen’–it’s as natural as breathing to them.

Maybe your disclose is more subtle like at church, “Pray for me. I’m going through a divorce.” Or in online personal ads, “Recently divorced attractive woman looking for her soul mate.” Or on a chat forum, “Yeah I was really hurt when he ran around on me. I’m just looking for a nice guy to settle down with–someone who likes children and animals, a church-goer–someone who shares my love of art and hiking.”

TM TM! (Too Much Information!!)

It’s hard to remember that all ears and eyes that are exposed to you are not ‘normal’ ones. That pathologicals are listening for ’signs’ that are a green light to them to move on you. That includes any hint of what you’re looking for (Fine, I can be that! he says) or lonliness (I’ll solve that!) or pain (Oh, baby, you’ve gotta let me redeem the male species! We aren’t ALL like that!)

Some are listening for your financial info (many are parasitic so are looking for ways of living with others so they can conveniently lose their jobs while with you) or to just bilk you out of your money quickly and be gone.

Others are listening for your need of a partner, companion, ‘just friends’ status, a step father for your children, a spiritual mentor, or a shoulder to cry on…

Others are listening to your unrealized dreams that they can ’support’ you in your journey to being…a writer, a painter, a therapist, going back to college, starting your own business…

Still others are listening for your needs: Sexually hungry? Emotionally needy? Bored? Unlistened to? Abused? Abandoned? Lonely? Tired? Angry?

Remember the church song when you were little, “Be careful little eyes what you see…Be careful little ears what you hear…Be careful little mouth what you say…” Remember that? It reminds us that our eyes, ears, and MOUTH needed to be careful. The song went on “For the Father up above is looking down with love, so be careful little mouth what you speak.” If we ONLY had the Father to worry about, this wouldn’t be an issue.

1 in 25 or 30 people are pathological. There are ears and eyes watching and listening to you to make you their target.

So you’re probably wondering what I did about the obnoxious, verbally bulimic woman on the plane? I flipped my business card at her with my finger and as ‘coincidence’ would have it, it landed in her clevage and I kept on walking…Imagine her thoughts as she read my card, “The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Psychopathy Education Psychotherapist and Author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Women Who Love Psychopaths.”
Too bad the plane was too crowded to turn around and watch!

Psychopath? How Bad?

victimsofpsychopaths — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 01:32:30 +0000

“I’ve seen people sit around with the list of traits from the PCL-R and decide from that quick-hit perusal that an acquaintance or spouse is a psychopath. A clinician who takes the disorder seriously would not do that.” –Katherine Ramsland, chair, Social Sciences at DeSales University and author of The Human Predator.

Approximately 1% of the population is thought to be psychopathic, yet:

–Psychopaths commit more than 50% of all serious crimes –

-Half of all law enforcement murdered in the line of duty were killed by a psychopath

–Approximately 1 out of 5 persistent domestic abusers are thought to be psychopathic

–50% of all serial rapists are thought to be psychopathic.

Although criminal behavior tends to go hand in hand with psychopathy, not all psychopaths engage in criminal behavior that is grounds for arrest. Or if they do,

they’re too slick to get caught or they may be able to cover up their crimes and misdeeds by using their wit, education, family money, and other connections. Many of them become romantic cons, or they con the elderly or other people, manipulating (robbing) their victims out of money and possessions, which carries a lot less risk than robbing a bank. They know full well there is little recourse to the victim as law enforcement has its hands full with violent crimes and do not usually go full throttle in prosecuting such cases. Many psychopaths have never, nor will they ever seen the inside of a prison, although they may see the inside of your wallet by conning and manipulating you out of what they want, or they may screw you over in some other manner.

However, people other than psychopaths can also engage in extremely bad behavior at times. Donald M. Black, author of Bad Boys, Bad Men: Confronting Antisocial Personality Disorder, says isolated behavior that defies the rules of society is very common n the general population, that many of us flout the rules at some point in our lives. In an ECA study, 30% of the men surveyed in St. Louis admitted four or more moving traffic violations, 18% of the men admitted infidelity in their marriages in three or more affairs,

and 8% admitted to engaging in illegal activity such as drug dealing or other illegal work related activities. In a Baltimore study, 34% of those surveyed had a history of some type of antisocial behavior from time to time. Black says that at least 1/4 to 1/3 of the population has engaged in some degree of antisocial activities, although they don’t have the degree of severity and varied symptoms required for a diagnosis of ASPD.

Recent studies show that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men have extramarital sex at some point in their marital relationship. (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002, Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy). Therefore, the vast majority of people committing infidelity are not psychopaths, yet they are engaging in a good many traits listed on the PCL-R while engaging in the affair. However, their behavior is specific to the situation, and does not carry over into other areas of their lives.

Psychopathy is a severe disorder and as Hare said it is important not to label a person a psychopath just because they engage in behavior from time to time that you find questionable. He also says that a person who scores in the mid range of the PCL-R may not be a very nice person or a model citizen, but they are not a “psychopath”.

Hare states the average person would score a “5” on the PCL-R.

Meloy (1992) broke down psychopathic disturbance as follows:

Scores: 10 – 19 Mild psychopathic disturbance

20 – 29 Moderate psychopathic disturbance

30 – 40 Psychopath

The average PCL-R scores for incarcerated criminals are: 22 for men; 19 for women.

The mean score in the North American forensic psychiatric population is somewhat lower, at around 20.

Many psychiatrist would consider a person who scores as high as 20, but not high enough to be classified as a psychopath, to be a sociopath.

Half brother wants sex, engages in smear campaign, tries to have victim falsely arrested

victimsofpsychopaths — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:12:18 +0000

The psychopath and his/her impersonal, concienceless views on sex, along with the quest for retribution when thwarted and the lengths they will go to get it is demonstrated by Yogi, who posted the following comment under the blog titled “Momma? She’s in the freezer”. (I have high lighted certain sentences for emphasis).”

yogi // January 29, 2009 at 4:22 am (edit)

I had a sociopathic half brother try to have innapropriate relations with me after I found him in my early thirties and he also tried to get me arrested by stating I attacked him and was belligerent and scratched him too – because I would not go along with being in a relationship with him. He made sure I lost my job and started fights with me there after I got him hired, because after I met him he immediately moved to my town and I tried to be kind and introduced him to my acquaintances. Soon, those acquaintances turned on me after his attacks began, he would appear so charming to others and made me look like a typical vindictive lady and that- I am not. He of course turned his attacks around on me so that people thought I was the one doing all things he was doing to me and quite skillfully and smoothly got everyone to feel sorry for him while I suffered feeling so isolated and disoriented as I kept asking myself is this really happening? So, I felt relief when I saw this story because it seems like they are all the same man, but who live in different bodies. Just like my story, this one seems so hard to believe, it’s as if it is all unreal. I am still trying to find inner peace as I have lost all connection to what mattered to me because of my sick half -brother. I went to the police on many occasions about my physical injuries and he would turn it all around and I don’t think they took me seriously. He told them he loved me and that we were in a relationship.. I am now severely traumatized, can’t leave my house much because people make me feel sick and I know it’s not right, but I need time to recover and heel and learn how to spot these monsters in the future, and because there is no one in the world I can tell anymore about what has happened. I feel disoriented and drained from this ordeal and will continue to read internet blogs which have helped enormously more than interacting with people. There is no one to trust other than those who have gone through it. It is actually amazing how people just don’t get it and will think you are crazy or something… What a strange world this is

Been arrested or almost arrested due to the Psychopath?

victimsofpsychopaths — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 22:44:37 +0000

In reading various message boards I am struck by how many people have been falsely arrested during their involvement with the psychopath, and also how many people were “almost” arrested or investigated due to the psychopath making false allegations against them. And the most striking thing is that some of these psychopaths have a rap sheet (although not necessarily of violent type crimes) a mile long, while most of the victims have no arrest record at all until they get caught in the psychopath’s web. If this has happened to you, please comment below. Or if you would like to tell your story in full length as a featured post (it can be as long as you want as I can break it down into multiple posts), please email: VOPvictims@yahoo.com

“Sunshine’s” Comments to “Why Sex Binds”

victimsofpsychopaths — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 21:29:16 +0000

A poster using the handle of “Sunshine” made some comments on the page titled, “Why Sex Binds”. After reading her description of her sexual relationship with an obviously dangerous man and her honesty in the effect it had on her, I felt her story should be brought up front for a post of its own. I believe many who have been involved with a sociopath or psychopath can identify with Sunshine’s feelings. Sunshine’s comments:

So.. So true! I was once involved with a dangerous man in my late 20’s. 3 years of hell. He went to jail for 9 mos. Stalked, strangled and beat me too. I know this may sound sick, but at the time the sex seemed out of this world even though I felt stressed and scared of spending time with him, the sex helped block out the fear (temporarily).

After he almost strangled me to death I finally woke up. 5 years later he almost strangled another girl to death to. She suffered the same injuries and his treatment of her was 20 times worse than mine. His abuse had escalated.

I went into hiding for a few years to shake him and it worked. I was truly convinced he might kill me.. I lost valuable time from my life as a result of hiding, but I am still alive and will never have sex with anyone again until I get to know them for a long long time

P.S these nasty promiscuous guys will give you many strange bacterial infections too because they shack up with lots of people – you’re never the only one they have at any given time.

Before you have sex with someone, get to know them for a long while, because if all you got were bacterial infections – they are curable with antibiotics.. Aids and herpes and warts are not. I was lucky and did not contract anything incurabale but developed many strange cervical and vaginal and throat infections during that relationship, sweats, muscle pain, joint pain and hot flashes too. After lots of antibiotic treatment, I got my health back-and cured.. Thank god for that, I learned a hard lesson too

These sociopaths are walking germ/disease factories.. Please.. Please watch out and beware! They will make you feel convinced you are the only one, but it’s never true, often you find out after all the damage has been done!